Top Five Favorite Episodes of "CHARMED" - Season Four (2001-2002)

 

Below is a list of my top five (5) favorite episodes from Season Four (2001-2002) of "CHARMED". Developed for television by Constance Burge and produced by Brad Kern, the series starred Alyssa Milano, Rose McGowan and Holly Marie Combs:

TOP FIVE FAVORITE EPISODES OF "CHARMED" - SEASON FOUR (2001-2002)



1. (4.15) "The Fifth Halliwell" - In this slightly perverse episode, new half-sister Paige Matthews feels like a fifth wheel among her happily married sisters and their husbands, but becomes firmly convinced that one brother-in-law, the demonically possessed Cole Turner, is still evil and a demon. Meanwhile new (temporary) Source and The Seer secretly plot to impregnate Phoebe using Cole's possessed body.

2. (4.03) "Hell Hath No Fury" - Piper, who remains angry over the death of oldest sister Prue and Paige's recent actions, becomes a member of a supernatural band of vigilantes known as the Furies. Meanwhile, Paige takes the Book of Shadows into her work to cast spells, which help her co-workers.

3. (4.10) "A Paige From the Past" - With whitelighter brother-in-law Leo Wyatt as her guide, Paige goes back in time to her teen years, in an attempt to resolve her feelings about the accident that killed her adoptive parents. Meanwhile, ghosts have taken possession of Phoebe and Cole's bodies and Piper must prevent them from fulfilling a mission.

4. (4.07) "Brain Drain" - The Source sends Piper into a deep coma, where she perceives an alternate reality. Phoebe, Paige, Leo and Cole must find a way to return her to reality and save her from giving up her powers, while she is delusional.

5. (4.13) "Charmed and Dangerous" - The Source breaks an age-old agreement between good and evil by stealing an ancient grimoire called The Hollow, which he uses to absorb Piper and Paige's powers. Meanwhile, Phoebe must allow Cole to help them, despite her having a premonition that involves Cole sacrificing his life to save her from evil.

"RED" (2010) Review

"RED" (2010) Review

Loosely inspired by the three-part DC Comics comic book series created by Warren Ellis and Cully Hamner, "RED" told the story about a former black-ops C.I.A. agent named Frank Moses, who reassembles his old team in a last ditch effort to survive a series of assassination attempts on him. Thanks to one member of his team, Marvin Boggs, Frank learns that a mysterious figure is sending both assassins and a C.I.A. black-ops agent named William Cooper to wipe out all members of a secret mission in Guatemala that Frank participated in back in 1981.

"RED" turned out to be a pretty solid action-comedy film that greatly benefitted from veteran cast members that included Bruce Willis, John Malkovich, Morgan Freeman, Helen Mirren, Brian Cox, Ernest Borgnine and Richard Dreyfuss. The cast also included the likes of Mary Louise Parker, Julian McMahon and Karl Urban. Surprisingly, the only members of the cast that seemed to have a persistent presence throughout the movie were Willis (the main star), Parker, Malkovich and Urban. Everyone else seemed to be making cameo or guest appearances in the movie. Regardless of the amount of time spent in the movie, each cast member gave a first-class performance in the movie. I was especially impressed by Willis as the weary ex-agent who is stimulated back into life at the prospect of learning the identity of the person behind the assassination attempts upon him. Malkovich gave my favorite performance as the paranoid Marvin Boggs, who seemingly ridiculous theories about any potential danger end up being correct. And I also enjoyed Helen Mirren as a former MI-6 assassin Victoria, who seemed just as thrilled as Frank to be back in action.

German-born Robert Schwentke displayed a quirky sense of humor in his direction of "RED". I had expected some humor in the movie, but Schwentke stylized the violence in a way that reminded me of movies like "PAYBACK" or "SCOTT PILGRIM VS. THE WORLD". Scribes Jon and Erich Hoeber did a solid job in adapting Ellis and Hammer’s comic tale. Some fans of the comic novel may have taken umbrage at their loose adaptation. But since I have never read the three comic books . . . . it did not bother me that much. However, I found the showdown inside the Chicago hotel parking garage rather confusing. The overall action did not confuse me, but the main villain’s reasoning and personal actions did. This did not ruin the movie for me, but it came damn close. Overall, "RED" was a pretty solid movie, but I have seen better comic films.

"CHARMED" RETROSPECT: (1.22) "Déjà Vu All Over Again"

"CHARMED" RETROSPECT: (1.22) "Déjà Vu All Over Again"

When I first saw (1.22) "Déjà Vu All Over Again", the Season One finale for "CHARMED", I promised myself that I would never watch another episode of the series again. Never. Yet four months later, I broke my promise and resumed watching the series for another three-and-a-half seasons. 

One would assume that I harbor some very negative feelings about "Déjà Vu All Over Again". And that person would be wrong. From an artistic point-of-view, the episode was first-rate. Not only do I consider "Déjà Vu All Over Again" to be one of the best Season One episodes, I believe it is one of the best episodes of the series. And yet . . . after watching it, I was ready to give up the series. The ending upset me very much.

Directed by Les Sheldon and written by Constance Burge and Brad Kern, "Déjà Vu All Over Again" began with Phoebe Halliwell experiencing a premonition of the most deadly kind. She saw a demonic attack result in the death of her oldest sister's former boyfriend, Andy Trudeau of the San Francisco Police Department. And the demon in question happened to be one Inspector Rodriguez, who was established as a member of the police department's Internal Affairs in previous episodes investigating Andy's connection to the Halliwell sisters. Determined to prevent Andy's death, Prue warns Andy that Rodriguez is a demon who has plans to kill her and her sisters - the Charmed Ones. As Rodriguez makes plans to kill the Charmed Ones, he receives a visit from a high-level demon named Tempus. The latter reveals he has the ability to turn back time and was sent by The Source to help Rodriguez kill the Halliwells. 

Mind you, "Déjà Vu All Over Again" had its flaws. In one conversation between Rodriguez and Tempus, the latter instructed the younger demon to make sure that all three Halliwells were gathered in the same place before killing them. Frankly, this sounds rather stupid to me. Surely, anyone with intelligence would know that the Halliwells were at their strongest when they were together. For me, it made better sense to kill the Halliwells one by one. After all, the sisters cannot stay in each other's company, 24/7, unless they want to forgo a life. And why did Rodriguez even bother to appear at the Halliwells' front door in the first place? He could have simply teleported inside the manor and kill the sisters a lot faster. According to(1.03) "Thank You For Not Morphing, Piper was born three years before Phoebe. And according to (1.17) "That 70s Episode", Phoebe was born in late 1975, making Piper's birth year 1972. Phoebe remembered that Piper's old classmate, Joanne Hertz, had graduated from their high school in 1992, making her birth year at least 1974. Why would Piper recall someone who graduated two years after her?

Aside from Tempus' suggestion that Rodriguez gather all three Halliwell sisters in one place before killing them, the flaws in "Déjà Vu All Over Again" seemed minor to me. In other words, the virtues outweighed the flaws. Burge and Kern nearly outdid themselves in an episode that served as the end of the first stage in the Halliwells' lives as the Charmed Ones. The episode also marked the end of what I consider to be the best romance featured in the entire series - that between Prue Halliwell and Andy Trudeau. Another interesting aspect about this episode is that it marked one of the rare occasions in which the sisters tragically failed to avert one of Phoebe's premonitions. Rodriguez made three attempts to kill the Charmed Ones, thanks to Tempus' time changing ability. If it had not been for Tempus, Rodriguez would have been dead after his first try. And so would Phoebe. After his second try, Rodriguez ended up dead again, thanks to Prue's telekinesis. But he ended up killing both Phoebe and Piper before his death. On his third try . . . Phoebe's premonition came true, when Rodriguez killed Andy. Is it any wonder that this episode depressed me? By this time, the sisters had figured out that someone was rewinding time and they cast a spell to break Tempus' time loop. Unfortunately, this act left Andy permanently dead. I supposed I should have foreseen this when I first saw "Déjà Vu All Over Again" all those years ago due to the scenes that featured Prue meeting Andy in a park to warn him about Rodriguez. Although their first meeting came off as slightly businesslike, their second and third scenes grew increasingly poignant and romantic. Both Shannen Doherty and T.W. King were excellent in these scenes.

Not only did this episode featured first-rate performances from Doherty and King, I was also impressed by the rest of the cast. All of them gave solid performances. Although I found him a tad over-the-top at times, 
Carlos Gomez was appropriately intimidating as the demonic assassin out to kill the Charmed Ones. But it was David Carradine who gave the best performance as the time manipulator, Tempus. He was witty, elegant and menacing. It seemed a pity that he never made a second or third appearance on the show. Even worse, his character was mentioned before being killed off-screen in the Season Three finale, (3.22) "All Hell Breaks Loose".

I am certain that my brief apathy toward "CHARMED" must have been figured out by now. This episode marked the last appearance of T.W. King as Andy Trudeau and it took me a long time to recover from this - over a year, to be exact. I had first became a fan of King, when I saw him in the short-lived series, "TIME COP". His portrayal of the sharp and no-nonsense Andy only solidify my admiration of him. Unlike Julian McMahon, of whom I also became a great fan, King's last episode proved to be first-rate and probably one of the best in the series. It seems a pity that it also proved to be one of the saddest for me.

Top Five Favorite Episodes of "CHARMED" Season Three (2000-2001)

Below is a list of my top five (5) favorite episodes from Season Three (2000-2001) of "CHARMED". Developed for television by Constance Burge, the series starred Shannen Doherty, Holly Marie Combs and Alyssa Milano:


TOP FIVE FAVORITE EPISODES OF "CHARMED" Season Three (2000-2001) 



1. (3.06) "Primrose Empath" - As payback for the trap he had encountered in the last episode, "Sight Unseen", Cole Turner aka Belthazor leads Prue Halliwell to a shut-in that turns out to be a demon cursed with a strong empath ability. Stuck with the ability, Prue is unable to deal with the load of emotions from others.





2. (3.16) "Death Takes a Halliwell" - An encounter with the Angel of Death forces Prue to deal with the loss of her loves ones and others she was unable to save. Meanwhile, her sisters Piper and Phoebe help Cole deal with demonic bounty hunters.





3. (3.07) "Power Outage" - Cole finds a way to break the Power of Three, by utilizing Andras, a demon who creates petty anger within others, against the sisters.





4. (3.01) "The Honeymoon's Over" - In the Season 3 premiere, the sisters help police Inspector Darryl Morris deal with a series of demons known as guardians, who help mortal murderers go free in exchange for the souls of their victims. Meanwhile, they first become acquainted with ADA Cole Turner; and their whitelighter, Leo Wyatt, proposes marriage to middle sister Piper.





5. (3.18) "Sin Francisco" - This hilarious episode features the problems the Halliwells and Leo encounter when they are infected with the seven deadly sins by a demon, in order to release their personality flaws.

"LEO WYATT: Morality and Free Will"

"LEO WYATT: MORALITY AND FREE WILL"

In the Season Two episode - (2.21) "Apocalypse Not", Leo said a few things that either struck a "what the hell" note within me, or really pissed me off.

In that particular episode, a vanquishing spell goes awry when the Halliwells try to destroy the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse. Prue and one of the Horsemen become trapped in a vortex. Piper and Phoebe enlist the help of the three remaining Horsemen to free Prue and the fourth Horseman before the vortex closes - something that Leo argued against:

Phoebe: Wonderful. So where's the meeting?

Leo: You're gonna do it?

Phoebe: I'm sorry, Leo, did you show up to the party late? Of course we're gonna do it.

Leo: Phoebe, you can never get into bed with evil, you know that. It could be a trap.

This is rather a contradictory thing to say, considering that Leo had earlier informed Phoebe and Piper that the Elders had met with some evil leaders to deal with Prue and one of the Apocalypse horsemen’s disappearances. Leo and Phoebe's conversation continued with:

Phoebe: But we're not gonna go up against them, we're gonna work with them, right?

Leo: But they'll betray you. Alright, this is how evil works. This is why evil loves free will so much. Because humans use it to follow their heart. And evil takes advantage of that.


Evil loves free will? What in the hell?? What exactly is Leo saying here? That to have free will is a bad thing? Was he really too stupid and narrow-minded to consider that free will could also work against evil’s advantage? After all, look at Cole who had exercised his free will to turn against the Source when he fell in love with Phoebe. And there were Drake (Billy Zane) and the seer Kira (Charisma Carpenter), who both ended up exorcising their free wills to turn their backs against the demonic world in Season Seven.

Or is it possible that Leo was simply one of those types who prefer that everyone – witches especially – blindly follow the dictates of whitelighters? If so, then I find his attitude not only distasteful, but also hypocritcal. Especially when one considers that his own free will ended up being muted by the Elders over his desire to marry Piper in early Season Three.

"CHARMED": Demons and Humanity

"CHARMED": Demons and Humanity

You know, as much as I like the Season 2 episode, (2.21) "Apocalypse, Not", there was something about it that reminded me of an aspect of "CHARMED" I dislike. Read the following:


[Scene: Manor. Attic. Phoebe and Piper are there. Phoebe's flipping through the Book Of Shadows.]
Piper: Wait, stop right there.
Phoebe: The demon of cruelty.
Piper: Hardens the heart, corrodes the soul...
Phoebe: And is a woman.

and;

Phoebe: Okay, so no offense to the Whitelighter but we're going with the Demon of Anarchy, right?
Prue: Yes, the Demon of Anarchy.


Demons of anarchy and cruelty? "CHARMED" is the only supernatural show I know that blames non-humans or demons on human aggression. Humans are supposed to be naturally inclined to more positive traits, but when it comes to our negative traits, the show's writers managed to drag a demon, warlock or some other magical entity from the Book of Shadow and place the blame on his/her. According to the "Apocalypse, Not", the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse were responsible for the Cuban Missile Crisis and other events that featured aggression. I supposed the writer forgot to mention that in Season 1's "Which Prue Is It Anyway?", human aggression was blamed on the Lords of War - human beings with supernatural abilities.

By Season 7 or 8, Leo admitted that humans are "neutral", but demons are automatically evil. Well, that's great. That means the Charmed Ones still have demons around to blame on human negative traits. What is it about this series that it rarely allowed human beings to accept responsibility for their own dark deeds? War is blamed on demons or some other supernatural beings. And so are other negative traits. I never saw this in shows like "BUFFY THE VAMPIRE SLAYER".

I am not saying that "CHARMED" never portrayed human evil or negativity. But it rarely acknowledged that humans could be just as evil or monstrous as the demonic adversaries that the Halliwells had faced. And my question is . . . why?

"CHARMED" RETROSPECT: (3.22) "All Hell Breaks Loose"

Over a year ago, I had written an ARTICLE about the circumstances surrounding the tragedy that struck the Halliwell household in the Season Three finale episode called (3.22) "All Hell Breaks Loose". Yesterday, marked the episode's 10th anniversary of when it first aired. It also marked the last appearance of Shannen Doherty as Prue Halliwell. Below are images from this landmark episode:


"CHARMED" RETROSPECT: (3.22) "All Hell Breaks Loose"

"RED" Photo Gallery

Below are images from the new adaptation of the DC Comics three-issue story created by writer Warren Ellis and artist Cully Hamner called "RED". Directed by Robert Schwentke, the movie starred Bruce Willis, Mary Louise Parker, John Malkovich, Morgan Freeman, Karl Urban, Richard Dreyfuss, Brian Cox and Helen Mirren:


"RED" Photo Gallery

Best of TELEVISION WITHOUT PITY - Demian's "CHARMED" Recaps

I realize that some might find this difficult to believe, but I became a fan of the 1998-2006 fantasy series, "CHARMED". During the series' first four seasons, I was a devoted viewer. Unfortunately . . . the series took a nosedive in quality - well, as far as I am concerned - after Season Five began and it never improved. Not even in the end. Despite the show's mediocrity, I managed to enjoy myself while reading Demian's hilarious recaps of the show's episodes on the TELEVISION WITHOUT PITY website. Below are excerpts from Demian's recaps that I found especially funny. I hope that you enjoy them. Now, without further ado:


Best of TELEVISION WITHOUT PITY - Demian's "CHARMED" Recaps


From (1.09) "The Witch Is Back":

"Melinda Warren, blood of our blood,
Our great-great-great-great-great-great-great-grandmother,
We summon thee!

Actually, in the interest of anal-retentive recapping, Phoebe and Prue give it a mere six "greats." Piper slipped in the seventh, and judging from my own family tree, she should have knocked in an eighth or a ninth to get them back to the late 1600s. Whatever. It worked. A Swirling Cloud Of Glowing Golf Balls (the first! I think) materializes over the landing by the window, followed presently by Melinda herself. She swallows a great big refreshing gulp of stale attic air and beams, "Oh, blessed be." I hate her already."



From (1.09) "The Witch Is Back":

"Up in the attic, Piper rejoins her sisters and Melinda around that low table. Needless to say, none of the gals wants Melinda to leave, but Melinda's all, "Whatever, you bitches. I'm gone." You think I'm kidding? That's pretty much what her little speech boils down to: The present is not her time, but rather that of her great-whatever-daughters, so, you know, she's hitting the road. The Feebs takes Melinda's hand and asks for a premonition of the Glamorous Ladies' future. Melinda sees generations of her descendants stretching out across the coming centuries. Way to be vague, nitwit. Melinda carefully fastens the Fabio locket around her neck, and the four women clasp hands. Prue, leveling her gaze kindly at Melinda, intones, "Melinda Warren, blood of our blood, we release you." The Swirling Cloud Of Glowing Golf Balls engulfs Melinda as she beams, "Blessed be, my daughters." Oh, cram it, Granola Queen. The evening ends with the glum gals glancing wistfully at each other. "We can always bring her back," Prue grins. Yeah. And you call me when the shuttle lands, sweetheart."



From (3.01) "The Honeymoon's Over":

"Phoebe prepares to jujitsu Emilio's butt as Prue rushes to protect Cole. Phoebe leaps to give Emilio a little taste of chunky sandal served raw, but what's this? She keeps ascending ceilingward, flying up about ten feet off the ground, where she then hovers and makes some startled blonde hooting noises. Emilio, distracted by the grunts and howls from the airborne Phoebe, doesn't see Prue's quick TK slap coming, and she hurls him across the garage onto another car. As he crumples unconscious on the hood, Phoebe whoops and yodels some more as she drops like a bag of rocks to the ground. "An active power," she guesses, but I don't see how you can call "hovering in the air and flapping your arms while howling like a constipated barn owl" either "active" or a "power"."



From (3.05) "Sight Unseen":

"They pull one of those somewhat distasteful lip-sucking kisses -- Cole with his eyes open for most of it -- and then settle into a more traditional liplock as the scene fades to... God, no. No, please.

I've never done anything in my life horrible enough to merit having to watch what follows. Really. I might tipped less than fifteen percent on occasion, and yes, I've told guys I'd call them just to be polite and then threw their numbers out behind their backs. I've gone fifty in thirty-five-per zones, I've even drunk straight from the communal carton of milk, but for the sake of all that is holy and good, I never did anything to deserve this: Piper and Leo, naked in bed. Piper's just coming down from (ohGodithurts) orgasm as Leo rolls off of her, praising her superior technique (killmekillmenow) when she "concentrates." Way to make her sleep in the wet spot, champ. Overhead shot of the two in (thepainthehorriblepain) post-coital bliss, with Piper shouting up at the Powers That Be and, by extension, the viewing audience, "I hope you enjoyed the show." Cram it, slut.

I should get battle pay for shit like that. ["Done." -- Sars]"




From (3.06) "Primrose Path":

"Chez Belthazor. Shirtless Cole. I pause the tape and light a cigarette. People in the forums have insisted that Julian McMahon is a hairy beast. If so, Spelling Productions must have included a trimmer in his contract package, because his torso, while certainly not waxed, would not put me in danger of developing hair balls at any point in the future, if you know what I mean. And I think you do. Mmm. Shirtless Cole. Where was I? Oh, recap."



From (3.14) "The Good, the Bad and the Cursed":

"They turn at the sound of gunshots coming from the saloon. Cole and one of Sutter's minions fire a couple of rounds at each other until Cole runs out of bullets. The two rise to their feet, the minion menacing, "I'm going to enjoy this. See you in Hell." Cole: "Been there. Done that." The minion draws, but Cole tosses a Flaming Ball Of Death at him. Cole giggles merrily as the minion disappears in a wall of fire, but stops laughing when he turns to find Prue eyeing him with disgust. "Like I said," Prue snits. "Once a demon, always a demon." Get over your self-righteous ass, Prue. You just shot a senior citizen and TKed him through a door. I think Cole can have a little fun as well."



From (4.04) "Enter the Demon":

"Cole hoists two scabbards from their place on the basement wall and hurls one at Feebs. "You think The Source is going to challenge me to a swordfight?" Phoebe snorts derisively. "Hand-to-hand combat is too safe," Cole preaches. "Swordfighting teaches confidence. Intensity."Oh, please. Knock it off with this Mr. Miyagi shit and just stand there and look pretty, okay, hon?"



From (4.06) "A Knight to Remember":

"Raige eventually emerges from the can in a pink satin bra and a tiny wraparound red-and-black plaid skirt. I think it's a skirt. Given the size of the thing, it could just as easily be a napkin. She crosses to the bed with a blouse, telling the slampiece that her responsibilities have expanded of late to include the "stuff" she does with her newfound sisters. She pulls the blouse over her head, and wow. Ow.
I've seen some gruesome fashion crimes on this show, but nothing on this scale. You know that scene in last week's Band of Brothers, where the little Italian guy stumbles across the concentration camp? And in the aftermath of the discovery, he comes across the Irish replacement soldier he'd been razzing earlier? And the Irish guy is just sitting dazed and shocked into silence on the ground? And the little Italian guy gets a look at what's derailed the Irish guy so badly, sapping his will to go on? Imagine that as a blouse. It beggars description. The color of dried Pepto-Bismol, it features an aggressive flourish of ruffles that looks like a marauding pack of anemones has risen from the sea to attack Rose McGowan's bosom, shoulders, and neck. It's hideous. It's deeply disturbing. It's Charo. Raige and the Slampiece are talking, but I've been struck deaf, if that's possible. At some point, Slampiece Glenn starts macking on her again, and I'm grateful, because if Raige caves and takes a Sex Day, she'll remove the horror from my sight."



From (4.17) "Saving Private Leo"

"The jerky hand-held camera. The grainy washed-out colors. The ADD-addled jump cuts. Yes, ladies and gentlemen, we are now watching Band of Brothers. Or Black Hawk Down. Or any movie, television show, or miniseries dealing with The Horrors Of War that was produced after Spielberg lost the Academy Award he was planning to receive for that overlong, overindulgent, over-praised epic from which this episode has stolen its name."




From (4.17) "Saving Private Leo"

"Phoebe descends to the stairwell landing, draped in the scraps of black fabric Belinda modeled earlier in the elevator. White. Trash. Up to and including the white dahlia she has pinned above her ear. Believe it or not, the fabric scraps looked better on Belinda. Almost wearable. On Phoebe, they hang as they might on a twelve-year-old girl. Did the Fun Bags take the week off to sun themselves in Cabo? Also, the wraparound skirt is riding so low on her hips, it's about to throw its muffler. Speaking of things that go "muff," Alyssa Milano has a heretofore-unseen tattoo that begins two inches below her navel and travels down towards regions best left unexplored. Bet you didn't need to know that, did you? Yeah, neither did I."



From (5.03) "Happily Ever After":

"Phoebe rashly decides to don the pumps to prove Cole's involvement. Raige counsels caution, as they can't be certain it's not some other demonic force promoting the attacks. Unfortunately for Raige, Grams nixes this idea, arguing that they can't loll around the Manor waiting for the next evil character to burst through a window. Piper, ever the sheep, follows Grams's lead, and urges Phoebe to try on the shoes. Phoebe slips the things onto her feet. Almost immediately, the pumps glow white, and a shimmering spiral of glowing pixie dust swirls up her body as Walt Disney's heirs speed-dial their lawyers to file breech-of-copyright lawsuits against Brad Kern. I, meanwhile, speed-dial my lawyer to file a pain-and-suffering lawsuit against Eilish for the unspeakable monstrosity masquerading as a ball gown that now assaults my senses. Phoebe's ensemble nearly beggars description, and quite frankly seems better suited for a belly dancer. A low-rent, talent-free, syphilitic hag of a belly dancer, but you get my drift. The outfit consists of a backless, strapless, midriff-baring opalescent bodice piece, connected to a foofy, bustled, be-bowed train, dangling over a white miniskirt, accented with tiers of silver lame ruffles that descend to the floor from her right hip. What remains of her hair has been fried into something approximating ringlets. It astounds me that even after all this time, they can still come up with new ways to horrify me."



From (5.11) "The Importance of Being Phoebe":

"The DemonCam dumps us in an establishment I'll be calling Bada Not!, for lack of a better nickname. A blonde reject from the Adam & Eve catalogue writhes up and down a pole beneath black lights, clad in a Day-Glo orange velour brassiere with frilly accents, a knee-length white gauzy skirt, and white patterned tights. We don't see her shoes, but I'm sure they match the bra. And I'll just bet she's sporting a pair of lime-green ankle socks, too. It's like a Wham! video with breasts. Well, a Wham! video with breasts that the gentlemen in said video find arousing. The reject slides a hand along her torso before pumping her hips a couple of times in Cole's direction. Cole's splayed out on a nearby sofa with a half-empty martini glass clutched loosely in one hand and his tongue dangling into his lap. Now that's talent. He's shaved since last we saw him, and he's back in his stylish, lawyerly togs. Throughout the establishment, cocktail waitresses in demure Eisenhower-era two-piece swimsuits pass beneath go-go girls of near-Amish modesty as the bald gentleman from the previous scene flares into the middle of the room. One of the waitresses nearly rams into him; she would, had they money enough to pay her for a speaking role, tell him to watch where the hell he's flaring. As it is, she simply flips her hair around in a -- dare I say it? -- demonic snit and flounces off. So this is the Charmed version of a demonic stripper bar. Not to get too picky about such things, but shouldn't demonic strippers be, well, stripping? With bestial heads flailing around above their scaly bodies while they perform unspeakable acts with live poultry, or something? These mall-haired implant victims in granny panties just aren't cutting it. It's the Sunday-night family hour on the WB, guys. Why did you even bother?"



From (5.11) "The Importance of Being Phoebe":

"Cole pounds the last of his martini and rises to leave, but the stripper reject boobs into his face and shoves him back onto the couch. "No time for one little dance?" she heaves. "Kaia," Cole leers after darting a "get lost" glance at the bald gentleman. Kaia? Ha! Where's the crap poetry, hon? Actually, this Kaia lacks the other's lockjaw and really looks more like Amaya after a nose job, what with the blonde hair and the vulgar simper and the massive bumper bullets protruding from her chest and everything. Cole settles back as K'Amaya swivels, and he mutters, "You know what I like." K'Amaya wiggles vacantly and morphs into Feeb form. K'Feebs grins, straddles Cole's waist, and grinds her nether bits into his groin.

I can't...I just...it's too...oh, JESUS.

Cole's eyes glaze over with something we're meant to assume is lust and isn't it funny how "lust" and "disgust" rhyme and Cole plants his hands on K'Feebs's ass and she pushes his maw into her cleavage and Cole emerges from the cleavage chasm all sweaty and drooling and K'Feebs opens her mouth and drops out of sight through the bottom of the frame and she is not giving him a blowjob no she's not giving him a blowjob no she's not giving him a blowjob because it's the Sunday-night family hour on the WB and the network censors just wouldn't do that to us no they can't no they can't be doing that to me and Cole grunts and the credits and the cleavage and the sweating and the blowjob and the fingernails clawing at my face and the blood squirting from my eyes and the vomit and hello heretofore unwanted sequel to Final Destination! You can drop a construction crane on my head RIGHT NOW!"




From (5.17) "Lucky Charmed":

"Tonight's opening travelogue is accompanied by a ukulele version of "Somewhere Over the Rainbow" that was featured prominently in several episodes of Young Americans a few years back, which only serves to remind me of a certain product-placed beverage and poor Pamie's summer-long bout of gender dysphoria. And Verve. Can't forget the Verve. Hey, did you see him on last week's Law & Order: SVU? He had sex with John Ritter's son. John Ritter's son, people. I mean, how desperate and/or skeevy do you have to be to bone the fruit of Jack Tripper's loins? And did you know that Ian Somerhalder and I share a birthday? Yep -- Sammy Davis Jr., Verve, and me. And Teri Hatcher and Kim Basinger, but we don't like to talk about them. Of course, Verve's ten years younger than I am, and…what's that? You want me to talk about the episode? Well, screw you. This episode sucks."



From (5.17) "Lucky Charmed":

"Manor. Up in the kitchen, Auntie Phoebe unleashes a torrent of sick-making baby-talk upon The Percolated Infant. By way of response, The Doltine Cracker horks his pacifier into her face. Heh. Incidentally, because the gang on the boards has been overcome by The Done One's cuteness and is therefore incapable of concocting appropriately vicious and ugly nicknames for the kid, because "The Non-Asian/Asian Precious Done One Log" is far too much to type, and because I myself am otherwise drawing a blank, I'll be mixing up the three…what? Oh, yeah. Episode. Right. Over at the center island, Piper bobbles a piping-hot bottle of formula, screams for the husband, and receives no response, which leads to the following mini-rant: "Fricking ever-useless Elders! What is taking them so long?" And that, my friends, is a shout-out if ever I heard one. Meanwhile, Phoebe's received an amu-- Holy Mother of God! What the fuck is she wearing? Oh, sweet Jesus! From the waist up, she looked fine. I mean, yeah, the black sweater's cropped above her navel, and her hair's an unsightly mess, but we're used to that. It's those pants! They're skin-tight and riding so low, the waistband grazes both her beavage and her ass crack, and I, for one, never needed to know about that tattoo on her left butt cheek. God! DAMN! What the fuck is wrong with Alyssa Milano? AUUUGH."



From (5.21) "Oh Goddess! - Part 1"

"Piper exchanges a supposedly light-hearted smirk with Mrs. Darryl, but you can tell she's wicked pissed, and I'm sorry, but she's got a hell of a lot of gall to whine about her husband's repeated absences in front of a cop's wife. Suck it up already or divorce him, Piper. Millions of men and women deal with situations similar to yours without shrieking about it every five goddamned minutes, you tedious, peevish shrike."



From (6.01) "Valhalley Of The Dolls, Part I":

"No such luck, for the next shot features the fully Valkyried Ps stepping through the crappy green digital overlay to arrive on the Isle Of Dykes, and Mother of God in Heaven -- some idiot's gelled an upturned, corkscrewed forelock into La Milano's "hair." She looks like Tin Tin. In a fucking miniskirt. With boobs. Are they blind? Is everyone who works on this show blind? They are, aren't they? Jesus. What-EVER!"



From (6.04) "Power of the Three Blondes":

"Oh, shit. I'd forgotten about this next scene. Sigh. Phoebe slinks through a crowded and tony eatery to crouch behind a potted plant. Feel free to insert your own joke about difficult it is to distinguish between the two. From Phoebe's vantage point, she's able to eavesdrop on the uncomfortable and embarrassing dinner date Chronic's having with Midge. And by that, I mean "uncomfortable and embarrassing for the audience." Chronic presents Midge with an expensive diamond necklace. To show her appreciation, Midge dives beneath the tablecloth to give him a blowjob. No, seriously. No. SERIOUSLY. Jenny McCarthy gets down on her knees to go down on Eric Dane. She even wipes the sides of her mouth when she reemerges after many excruciating seconds. Fuck it. I can't deal with this shit anymore."



From (6.10) "Chris-Crossed":

"The Dolt paces behind him, angrily calling for Phoebe and Raige, who, of course, ignore him. Piper floats in from the kitchen in a satiny blouse, burbles some Psycho-care instructions at him, perks, "Wish me luck!" and sails out the front door to get laid. The Dolt waves his arms around in impotent frustration until the squiggle noise hits the soundtrack. "Hoo-HUH!" LesBianca grunts from off-screen, and we see her boot introduce itself to the Dolt's face. The Dolt pitches through the air to slam into the alcove on the other side of the hall. His head rams into the window seat, and he slumps into an unconscious heap on the carpet. Pause. Rewind. Play. Pause. Rewind. Play. Pause. Rewind. Slow-forward. That was a spectacular example of Dolt abuse, people. So spectacular, I might have to give this episode an 'A'."



From (6.11)"Witchstock":

"As Chris obediently orbs up through the ceiling, Darryl snots, "Where's he going?" Upon hearing the answer, Darryl splutters, "This is the last time I work crowd control for you guys!" before ducking back out the door. Dude, I don't know why you're even talking to them after they killed you in the first damn episode of the season, so whatever. Also: Shut up!"



From (6.11)"Witchstock":

"The Glamorous Ladies regroup, with Piper expressing doubt that Patrick Cassidy's death was enough to realign the timeline. She reminds her sisters that Grams flew into a rage when she found her husband dead (in 1964, three years before the events of this episode). Piper then indicates the wimpily weeping LYGrams and asks, "Does that look like a demon killer to you?" Raige and Phoebe gawp."



From (6.11)"Witchstock":

"Finally, and at Phoebe's prompting, LYGrams topples the much-abused grandfather clock onto The Spawn Of Busey, who lapses into unconsciousness. "Now you do something really final," Phoebe helpfully hints. LYGrams squints and ad-libs the following spell:

Snuff this warlock
His days are done,
But make him good
For the ecosystem.

I hate this stupid fucking sucky-ass show."




From (6.13)"Used Karma":

"Piper spots the shattered remnants of the vase and wonders, "What happened here?" "Bonjour!" Phoebe calls as she wafts down the stairs in a hideous bra-and-micro-mini set stitched together from swatches of cherry-red sateen, accented with vast swaths of sheer pink and tangerine chiffon. It's deeply hateful. What's even more deeply hateful is that she apparently had this thing hanging in her closet on the off chance she'd ever need clothing appropriate for possession by a long-dead Jazz-Age Eurotrash whore. "What the heck are you wearing?" Piper growls. "Just a little something to help me get my boyfriend back," Phoebe replies. "Showing a little skin never hurt." Millions of viewers at home beg to differ, skank. Piper supposes this means things didn't go well with Chronic the previous evening. "No," Phoebe admits before adding, "Je ne sais pas pourquoi." But instead of pronouncing it "Zhunsaypa," the dumbass goes, "Zhuh-na-say-pas," because Phoebe's a fucking moron, even when she's been possessed by a long-dead Jazz-Age Eurotrash whore."



From (6.17)"Hyde School Reunion":

"Down in the main hall, Mr. Rick's hurled Phoebe against the window seat in the foyer and is demanding she alter his appearance immediately. Raige wanders onto the scene, Mr. Rick levels the shotgun in her direction, and I'll tell you right now, for the next four minutes, the only thing I was doing was chanting, "Orb the gun, Raige. Orb the gun, Raige. Orb the gun, Raige. "ORB THE MOTHERFUCKING GUN, YOU STUPID PIECE OF SHIT." So, needless to say, I missed quite a bit of the subsequent dialogue, but this show is ass, so whatever. Mr. Rick, having decided Phoebe is now his "leverage," reveals Ramona's location, then orders Raige to change his face. Phoebe stumbles across a cunning plan, if by "a cunning plan," one means "a hideous abuse of both Raige's power and her own that violates every established doctrine regarding the difference between human and demonic evil and how best to deal with each." In other words, Phoebe suggests that Raige turn Mr. Rick into Big Gay Chris. Get it? So the Scabbard Demons will materialize and destroy him with their sprays of green acid? Yeah. Fuck this show. Raige, for some stupid reason of her own, obliges by improvising the following couplet:

Who you were, you're now another:
Take the face of [the Psycho's] brother.

Mr. Rick morphs into Big Gay Chris, and poor Drew Fuller. He simply cannot play the menacing heterosexual convict type very convincingly. As in, he can't play the menacing heterosexual convict type at all. It doesn't help that Mr. Big Gay Chrick still has Chris's voice, either. It would have made far more sense for Rod Rowland to overdub the two lines Mr. Big Gay Chrick gets before the Scabbard demons waste him, but this show is ass, so whatever. Raige and Phoebe promptly hole themselves up in separate Manor nooks to avoid the messy murder that follows. Three Scabbards materialize in the parlor and hose Mr. Big Gay Chrick down with multiple streams of acid. Mr. Big Gay Chrick screams and dissolves into a flailing tower of black goo that presently sinks to the floor and vanishes. After the demons dematerialize, Phoebe and Raige emerge from their hiding places to survey the carnage.

"You okay?" Raige breathes. "Yeah," Phoebe mutters. "You know you had to, right?" Raige offers. Phoebe nods as I call bullshit, because they didn't have to, because Raige could have ORBED THE MOTHERFUCKING SHOTGUN AWAY FROM HIM, but this show is ass, so whatever. WHATEVER."



From (7.02)"The Bare Witch Project":

"Piper, God love her, peeves that altering the course of history is just a wee bit more important than that stupid fucking magic school. Just then the blender roars to life, and the frisky-fingered Godiva shrieks in fright and hops back a couple of paces. Piper chases the dim, badly bewigged "blonde" back to Raige's side and sighs, "On the other hand, how much history could a naked woman on horseback really affect?" Excellent question, Piper, and I have an answer for you: none. None whatso-fucking-ever, especially when you consider the fact that the whole ride is a tawdry, Church-sponsored myth to begin with. The real Lady Godiva owned Coventry outright. What does this mean? It means that her husband had no way of imposing or collecting taxes himself, and that if Godiva thought the peasants were tithing too much, she could have taken care of it herself without stripping off her clothes. Unless, you know, she was into that sort of thing, but what scant evidence we do have indicates she was not the eleventh-century equivalent of Gypsy Rose Lee. ("Her name's Louise!") So, while the Godiva on the show predictably protests that her non-existent ride was indeed quite important, I'll not be paying any attention to anything she or any of the other idiots might have to say on the matter, because the whole stupid thing is a sexist lie to begin with. So there. Nyaaah!"



From (7.02)"The Bare Witch Project":

"Oh, shit. Piper hustles across an intersection to arrive at the sidewalk café from the pre-credits sequence. "This better be good," she gripes as she reaches Raige's side. "Yeah," Raige snorts, redirecting Piper's attention further down the street. "It looks like Lady Godiva had quite an impact on our Phoebe's cause." Piper's shock, disgust, outrage, and revulsion at what she sees very nearly matches mine. But not quite. We cut to a shot of various pedestrians gaping in abject horror before cutting again to brief glimpses of what is causing the general distress. A bare foot in a stirrup. A leg. A hip clearly unencumbered by clothing, with the butt cheek partially obscured by the bottom bits of a long, blonde wig. A shot of bareback, horseback, crappily bewigged Phoebe from behind as she guides the nag over to the sidewalk café. And then, finally, a pan up Milano's torso through some terrifyingly bony cleavage to Phoebe's grinning rictus of a face. The café's manager emerges onto the sidewalk to get an earful from the Feebs about how he's living in the eleventh century and he wants women barefoot and pregnant and to stay at home and how breastfeeding is the most natural thing in the world and the crowd starts cheering her and there's a mime. Yes, there's a goddamned mime in the midst of the throng, applauding as lustily as anyone else. I hate this show. HATE. "It's a shame that women have to take off their clothes to be heard," Phoebe speechifies. "We shouldn't have to be exploited like this." So why in the hell are you working for Aaron Spelling?"



For (7.10)"Witchness Protection":

"Next week, Charisma Carpenter returns to give the lie to her first name, because she's totally boring as hell."



From (7.20)"Imaginary Friends":

"The good professor snaps that last week's class discussion on imprinting ended up in this week's "Ask Phoebe". "I'm assuming we're discussing next week's content, no?" she sneers. Phoebe splutters in protest, but The Very Good Professor cuts her off with, "Please. We both know why you're taking my class. I've spent years studying and teaching psychology, Miss Halliwell -- dedicating my life to it," The Most Excellent Professor continues, "but I'll be damned if I'm just going to let you poach my class to steal a sound bite or two for your column." The Most Excellent Professor Ever To Appear On American Television concludes, "You want to learn about imaginary friends? Do the research!" before casually striding away from the flabbergasted Feebs. BOO-ya! The Feebs is all, "But...but...I didn't...I don't...oh, fuck it! That BITCH is so eating a wall before this evening is over!" Seriously, Professor Slotkin. I'd switch teams for you after that scene, but I must express my concern for your physical well being. No one calls Phoebe on her bullshit and lives to tell about it.”



From (8.04) "Desperate Housewitches"

"Evil Michelle Stafford prompts the Psycho to poke his index finger in the bowl's contents, promising, "It'll make some really neat magic!" The Psycho complies, and the bowl emits first a reddish glow, then a stream of sparks that leap across the room to dive into the inverted pentagram on the wall. The pentagram's sides burst into crappily CGI'd flames that push out from the wall to spin clockwise for a moment before contracting to spit The Famous Almost-Original Source out all over the floor. "WHERE AM I?" Peter Woodward howls, snacking away on any and all nearby scenery in the process, and dude. For one thing, dial it down about eight or nine notches, okay? We're not deaf. Kisses. For another, I'd be very careful with the scenery chomping if I were you. I mean, they barely have enough money in the budget to cover your salary, much less replacement costs for any Not!warts walls you happen to get stuck in your teeth. "WHO BROUGHT ME BACK?" Peter Woodward continues, and sigh. They never, ever listen to me, do they?"



From (8.07)"The Lost Picture Show":

"While I was thus distracted, the Manor Morons had been babbling on about their Issues Of The Week, and I'll be frank, here: None of these subplots are of any interest to me whatsoever, because each and every single one of them is a retread of an Issue we've seen play out in previous episodes. Piper and the Dolt's marital strife? "Siren Song" with the body swapping, "Cat House" with the first attempt at counseling, and "Oh My Goddess Parts One And Two" with the second. Raige's troubled relationship with her genetic father? "Sam I Am". Phoebe's time bomb of a biological clock? Every single fucking episode since she embarked upon that goddamned Vision Quest in "The Legend Of Sleepy Halliwell". Or so it seems. So I think I'll be ignoring most of them tonight. This might be the shortest Charmed recap ever. By the way, apropos of entirely nothing, I had an incredibly disturbing dream last night in which Brian Krause kissed me. And I liked it. Yeah. Chew on that horror story while these tedious fuckwits babble at each other for another five minutes."



From (8.15)"The Last Temptation of Christy":

"Raige and Phoebe enter the Manor foyer from the front porch when we return, already discussing Chrissssty's warning, pedebabbling about Them and who They could possibly be and why They might want Chrissssty back before the Retard arrives in the main hall from above toting Chrissssty's untouched breakfasssst to interrupt the two with, "It doesn't matter, because They won't be getting her back." The three proceed into the kitchen, where Raige suggests they formulate some sort of game plan. "We don't know anything!" the Retard protests. "We don't know where They've been keeping her this whole time!" and yes you DO know where They've been keeping her this whole time because YOU WERE JUST THERE AT THE END OF THE LAST EPISODE, YOU STUPID STUPID AWFUL EVIL INSIPID WRETCHED INEPT INCOMPETENT EXUSE FOR A WOMAN. GOD! DAMMIT! I HATE THIS SHOW!"



From (8.15) "The Last Temptation of Christy":

"Phoebe jiggles onto the second floor from below just as Raige arrives from the nonexistent attic and, to steal a turn of phrase from Keckler, oh my awesome. The Retarded Bimbo is on fire. Crappily CGI'd fire, but fire nonetheless. Hooray! And she's such a fuckwit that she's spinning around, flapping her arms in the air, rather than stripping her blazing jacket off or rolling around on the floor. I swear, this woman is too stupid to breathe. And if I'm remembering my C.S.I.s correctly, she shouldn't be breathing right now, because her windpipe should have slammed itself shut from the heat by this point. Raige, doing the only thing she knows how, orbs the blazing hoodie off of the Retard's bizarrely proportioned body and towards points unknown before she and Phoebe race to the Retard's side, wildly wondering what gives. Chrissssty, bless her traumatized little heart, used her pyrokinesis to set her sssstupid ssssisssster on fire, then fled from the Manor with a demon. Why we saw none of this thoroughly delightful series of developments onscreen, I'll never know, especially when they could easily have dispensed with the entire Hilton Cooties scene prior to this one and most of the Simon Mocks sequence that preceded that. Whatever. CANCELLED! The Retarded Bimbo makes squawking noises as Raige and Phoebe gape their collective way into the next commercial break."




And here it is, folks. I have saved the best for the last . . . the piece de resistance. From (5.19) “Nymphs Just Wanna Have Fun”:

"The Forest. Because, you know, San Francisco is just bristling with forests. Whatever. The Nymrods titter and giggle and lead my brother-in-law down the garden path while Raige straggles along behind them. Rose McGowan's face is plastered over with this Kill Me Now expression, like she's thinking, "Okay, they tossed that fucking leprechaun mess into my lap, and I dealt with it, but this shit? Is just too goddamn much for one woman to bear." I hear you, my sister. Matters only get worse when she hits the breathtakingly stupid feminist-versus-pre-feminist argument they've written for her and the Nymrods. The Nymrods are all, "Demian's new brother-in-law is our man and we have to do everything he says!" and Rose McGowan's all, "But you don't need a man to define your…you know what? Fuck this shit. Is this fucking season over yet? It isn't? Jesus H. motherfucking Christ on a stick! Get my fucking agent on the phone NOW! Stupid motherfucker pushes me into a goddamn motherfucking TV series, and this is the shit I have to put up with? Hey, asshole! It's Rose McGowan. You're fucking fired, you fuck!"


Well . . . there you are. I hope that you had enjoyed them. I have certainly enjoyed Demian's "CHARMED" recaps over the years. Thank you, Demian!